Depression

depressie

This is how Jeff Foster (youtube) called depression: depressed = deep rest... These words where so beautiful for me when I was in my last depression. A depression which lasted for 2,5 years and which came to an end in July 2015.

For me the words 'deep rest' were beautiful, because they were very respectful. Because they describe the situation of sitting there, unmoving. For me it did not feel as rest. No, a big restlessness was running through me. I did not want to vegetate. I felt myself a complaint against existence. Because I was born to live and I did not live. And yet: these respectful words: 'deep rest' were good for me. Knowing that Jeff Foster spoke out of experience and that he had known a deep depression himself.

For me it was a shame to mention it: 'I am depressed'. The fear of being seen as a loser, a weak person who does not know how to live. The comments of others: 'Don't you have everything already? Look what you have to be grateful for!' And it was exactly this, that I could not feel at all. I could not connect with anything around me. And because of this, everything seemed to be dead. And what I started to do was comparing with others. Because I did not feel the connection with myself. And others were living, so it looked like I could get life from them. If I did what they were doing, maybe I would become happy. But what happened is that I moved further away from myself. In an attempt to become somebody's else's copy. And the others were feeling, that I was imitating them.

It is natural that I was jealous of others in my depression. Now I can see that I do not have to feel guilty about that. Even when it is not nice for the other, to feel that jealousy. But in my depression it was impossible for me enjoy with the other. This would only be possible if I was happy with myself.

In this way I moved even deeper in isolation. I knew that I was not radiating nice energy. And I saw the effect of my radiation on others. So it became attractive for me not to move anywhere any more. On the other side: I came too much in the house of the people I love. Because I did not dare to be with myself. With my own presence, which felt deathly.

I did many therapies and workshops. And I noticed that only those therapies were effective in which I experienced love, warmth and understanding. A click between the therapist and me had to be there. I needed to feel the inspiration of the therapist and in the first place his love and equality. Love and working on consciousness were two ingredients
I needed. For me this was in the first place the Art Therapist Training of Meera Hashimoto (www.meera.de) who worked with expression in painting, family constellations, Osho Meditations and love and respect. And what helped tremendously was the Osho Dynamic Meditation, that I started doing again in this training: 21 days in a row. This meditation was such a healing for me. And still now, where I am out of my depression, I keep doing this meditation daily.
Looking backwards I also had much benefit of therapy in a group. Schema therapy, three days a week during thirteen months. And why? Because in the group we saw each other in all possible situations. All situations in daily life. Our habits, our pitfalls, our funny sides, everything... Looking backwards I see how important it has been for me to be within a group of people, who stay around me whatever happens. Also while I am depressed. Who have experience with this themselves. Who didn't come immediately with advises and judgements.

Everybody's way out of depression will be different. Because everyone is unique. And depression is not a shame. It's a sign of wisdom of our deepest being. That being cannot continue with the present situation and calls you to do something different. But you don't know what you should do at all. That's why you are in the depression. It is a total standstill. It feels like a forced standstill. And it looks like this situation will never end. Hopeless. And from there a deep fear.

Speaking while looking backwards is easy, I know. It is a mercy to be out of it. Looking backwards I can see: it was needed. And of course I could not move an inch. Because something ESSENTIALLY DIFFERENT wanted to break through. While I was feeling in that moment that maybe it would be better to be dead. Something wanted to come through, which did not know yet how to come through. Because I had jammed my brake. Even when it was  uncounsicous. That brake had had many functions; that brake had protected me in my childhood, during my adolescence. So it was logical that deep inside I cherished that brake. But something inside of me was not contented any more. And unconsciously I jammed my brake even more to bring myself to a standstill.

I feel helpless when I see another depressed. Because I know how terrible it feels. The gray, the lifeless, the dealthly, the hopeless. And I know that I cannot do anything else than staying with the other. Without tips (even while I keep committing that mistake of giving tips almost every day) and without judgements. But with a deep respect of the other, who has the courage to be in a deep rest, even when he did not consciously choose for it. Nobody would consciously choose for this. Now I think: the unconscious is more wise.



meditation